SCREENPLAY (adapted from the original script by Andrew Buckland)

EXT: DAWN - RIVERBANK
DETECTIVE DEADLY SERIOUS (SERIOUS) is on the trail of the environmental terrorists MYRTH and BYRTH. He has been following them throughout the night. MYRTH and BYRTH are standing on the bank of what used to be a great river. Now it has been reduced to a wide sandy riverbank, with a much smaller stream meandering through its center. While it is not overtly polluted, there is a sense that it is not well. MYRTH and BYRTH cast their lines into the river and go through the silent routine of fishing. SERIOUS is hiding behind a tree, watching them in the distance. MYRTH is standing upstream of BYRTH and we watch as his float (a cork), drifts past BYRTH’s line. MYRTH attempts to reel in his line, hopelessly snagging BYRTH’s line. BYRTH quietly watches as his brother tugs and pull’s to free his line, snapping BYRTH’s fishing rod from one direction to the other. Suddenly MYRTH notices BYRTH’s fishing rod.

There is a look of realisation on MYRTH’s face. BYRTH begins the process of freeing up the lines by walking around MYRTH, taking MYRTH’s fishing rod and swapping them between hands to untangle the mess. BYRTH is frowning .

MYRTH
(in response to Byrth’s frowning)
So tell me Myrth, when last did you catch a fish?

The fishing lines are untangled and MYRTH hands BYRTH back his rod.

BYRTH
(Pause) About three weeks ago.

MYRTH
Oh ja? Maybe they're catching on.

BYRTH
I hope so.

MYRTH
(pause) Did you see that guy at the play?

BYRTH
Oh with the cigarette?

MYRTH
He's upstream.

BYRTH
Ja I checked him.

MYRTH
I wonder what he wants.

BYRTH
I think I'm gonna find out.

MYRTH
I think you better, pal. He's a nosey bastard.

SERIOUS has been watching MYRTH and BYRTH intently. He looks away for a moment while MYRTH and BYRTH put down their fishing rods disappear behind a sandbank.
SERIOUS notices that they have left and begins craning his head and muttering, trying to see where they have gone.

BYRTH
Excuse me!

SERIOUS swings around and finds BYRTH just a few steps away.
MYRTH appears behind SERIOUS, dropping down from a branch of the tree that SERIOUS was hiding behind.

MYRTH
Can we help you?

SERIOUS is caught totally off guard. He quickly fumbles for his glasses from his coat pocket and puts them on.

SERIOUS
Uh...yeah. I..sorry, I don't mean to take up your private time its just…er, I was a member of the audience last night and I witnessed the disturbance that you had there.

BYRTH
Oh ja? That was the D'Earth brothers.

SERIOUS
(Taking out his notebook)
The D'Earth brothers?

BYRTH
So, you are...?

SERIOUS
Oh, sorry, I'm uh... Detective Deadly Serious.

SERIOUS flashes his shiny police badge.

MYRTH
Detective Deadly Serious ?

SERIOUS
That’s right son.

BYRTH
Are you serious?

SERIOUS
Deadly.

SERIOUS flips his badge wallet closed, but in the process loses his grip on it. It spills into the air. SERIOUS grabs at the spinning badge twice before BRYTH’s hands grabs it. BYRTH hands SERIOUS back his badge.

BYRTH
Oh, well I'm Byrth, This is my boet Myrth.

SERIOUS
Mr Myrth, Mr Byrth. Lovely section of the river you got here, very nice.

BYRTH
Ja, so ....

MYRTH and BYRTH begin the walk back to their fishing rods. SERIOUS follows behind, every now and then examining his notebook.

SERIOUS
Oh yes, sorry, I'd like to ask you a couple of questions if I may.

MYRTH and BYRTH are more interested in getting back to their fishing rods. SERIOUS tries to get their attention, but is relatively unsuccessful. SERIOUS attempts to get in front of MYRTH and BYRTH, so that he can speak to them face to face.

SERIOUS
Its just, I'm rather interested in this Food Consciousness idea that you propagate with your show?

MYRTH
Oh ja?

SERIOUS begins telling his story. He gets so caught up in his own thoughts that he doesn’t notice MYRTH and BYRTH continuing back to their fishing rods.

SERIOUS
Well it’s not something that I respond to normally. But the other night, I had this dream. And in it, I was pursued and viciously attacked... by food. Yeah, I know it’s a ridiculous notion, isn't it?

SERIOUS looks up and sees the boys in the distance. He quickly tries to catch up with them. MYRTH and BYRTH pick up their fishing rods.

SERIOUS
So there I am running for me life down the street yeah, hordes of foodstuffs on me tail. Eventually the stamp-mielies catch up with me, and they're stamping me into the ground! A vicious paw-paw has taken my leg right off!

SERIOUS
So now this dream...what do you two.....

MYRTH’s fishing rod suddenly comes to life.

MYRTH (excitedly)
Hey Byrth ! I got something!

BYRTH
Sorry Detective can you pass the net please?!

SERIOUS looks at BYRTH blankly. Meanwhile, MYRTH looks as though he is fighting with a twelve-foot marlin, running around on the bank alternately reeling in and letting out line.

MYRTH
The net! The net!

SERIOUS is dumbfounded. He picks up the “net” (a plastic bag with holes) and stares blankly at it.

BYRTH
Thanks.

MYRTH
Hurry up!

BYRTH scoops the net below the fishing line.

BYRTH
Okay, its okay...there he is...

BYRTH lifts the net to reveal a small, unassuming fish flapping around gently in the bottom. BYRTH lifts it out of the net and tries to hand it to MYRTH.

BYRTH
There we are, here Myrth, take the hook.

MYRTH
No, you take the hook.

BYRTH
It’s your hook Myrth.

MYRTH
I always have to...

BYRTH
Just take the hook.

With BYRTH gently holding the fish, MYRTH carefully takes the un-barbed hook out of the fish’s bottom lip.

BYRTH
Now, (to the FISH) you stupid piscean little idiot, when are you going to learn!??!

MYRTH and BYRTH play good-cop/bad-cop with the fish. BYRTH acts the tough-guy and starts gently slapping the fish from cheek to cheek with his finger.

MYRTH
No wait, give him here, give him here!

MYRTH snatches the fish away from BYRTH. BYRTH marches back to his satchel and rips out an old iron frying pan.

BYRTH
Your chips are up, fish! You are fish fingers! You hear me! I'm gonna fry your arse!

MYRTH shoves one hand into BYRTH’s face, and is holding the fish away at arm’s length on one side, and BYRTH at arms length on the other.

MYRTH
No! Leave him leave him! (to fish) I can't keep him off for much longer!

BYRTH
Hell he makes me woes!

BYRTH throws the frying pan over his shoulder, nearly hitting SERIOUS in the face.

MYRTH
Now, how many times must we tell you, don't take the bait!

The FISH looks on throughout with a completely blank expression on its face.

BYRTH
Are you stupid?! And every time its the same; "yerp!yerp!"

MYRTH
You know what? I'm gonna punish him and keep him out the water for another five seconds!

BYRTH
Bloody good idea pal. (pause)

MYRTH begins lowering the fish into the water.

BYRTH
Hey Myrth!

MYRTH
What?

BYRTH
I'm watching you.

MYRTH
What?

BYRTH
You don't go soft on me here.

MYRTH
I…

BYRTH
I saw you giving him water.

MYRTH
I'm not…

BYRTH
He must learn.

(short pause)

MYRTH
Should I throw him back?

BYRTH
Ja, gooi him.

BYRTH releases the fish back into the river.

MYRTH
Cute, hey?

BYRTH
Ja, but THICK, boet!!

MYRTH
That’s the third time!

BYRTH
The same fish! (to SERIOUS) Sorry? Oh, it’s Fish Education. Ja, you see the river was getting very badly over-fished by the factory, so we come down here and teach the fish.

MYRTH
A better-informed fish is less likely to get caught.

BYRTH
You check?

SERIOUS
Yeah, that’s an interesting notion…

MYRTH
Ja well its actually just part of a much wider Food Awareness Programme.

SERIOUS
(scribbling in his notebook)
Food Awareness... that’s fascinating stuff

BYRTH
Started by our mother. You can ask her about it when she gets here.

MYRTH
Hang on.

BYRTH
What is it?

MYRTH
Looks like an old boot.

BYRTH
Hey, that’s mom’s shoe!

MYRTH
Kak, man!

BYRTH
I’m serious
(They sniff and quickly retreat)
Oh jeez, that’s mom’s shoe alright

BYRTH
She’s got to be around here somewhere.

SERIOUS, who has been taking notes frantically on the situation, looks up and catches a glimpse of what looks like a huge boot stuck in a bank of river reeds.

SERIOUS
Um…Mr Myrth

MYRTH
Ja.

SERIOUS
Down there in the reeds. I think you’ll find that’s the partner of the shoe that you just caught.

MYRTH
Oh ja.

SERIOUS
I think I am right. Now if you can just reach it through the reeds there…I think… Oh my gawd!

SERIOUS directs MYRTH from the riverbank. MYRTH reaches into the reeds to pull the other boot free but finds it snagged. As he pulls harder, we see a leg appear attached to the boot. The horror of the situation is mirrored in SERIOUS’s facial expression as they discover MOTHER MYRTH’s body.

MYRTH
Oh no…Oh shit! MOM!! Jesus Mother!

>>NEXT